5 Ways to Stay Calm When Addressing Abrasive Behavior

You’re a leader responsible for addressing the abrasive behavior of one of your top performers. In the midst of telling her you’ve received complaints about disrespectful treatment of employees, you remain calm. Your tone conveys that you genuinely care about helping her overcome negative perceptions about her leadership style.

Moreover, you reassure her that you’re bringing these issues to light so she has an opportunity to turn things around and continue to succeed in the organization.

However, instead of appreciation, the top performer angrily lashes out at you:

“People are making this up.”

“You’re doing this to me because you don’t like me.”

“You don’t know what happened, you weren’t there.”

What do you do?

How do you keep your cool and stay calm when addressing abrasive behavior?

Before you say another word or react defensively, PAUSE.

Pause – Take a beat by focusing on your breath to stay anchored in the present moment.

Allow – Bring awareness to what’s happening inside of you. Identify what you’re feeling. 

Understand—Both of you are getting triggered by the fight-or-flight reaction, which is understandable given the nature of the conversation. Regardless of being triggered, you’re still in charge of managing your reaction.

Sink In – Let calmness sink in as you continue to breathe, putting a brake pedal on your fight-or-flight reaction, and allowing rational thinking to surface by remembering…

Even though – Your employee is defensive, you are fulfilling your responsibility to promote a physically and psychologically safe environment for all of your employees.

In emotionally charged conversations, using the PAUSE strategy can help you manage your internal environment and positively influence your external environment.

About the author 

Bonnie Artman Fox, MS, LMFT works with executive leaders who want to gain self-awareness about the impact of their words and actions and up-level their interpersonal skills. 

Drawing from decades as a psychiatric nurse and licensed family therapist, Bonnie brings a unique perspective to equip executive leaders with the roadmap to emotional intelligence that brings teams together. 

Bonnie’s leadership Turnaround coaching program has an 82% success rate in guiding leaders to replace abrasive behavior with tact, empathy, and consideration of others. The end result is a happy, healthy, and profitable workplace…sooner vs. later.