The Uninvited Guests at Your Holiday Table (And How to Handle Them)
You’re sitting at the Thanksgiving table. The turkey is carved. The conversation is flowing. But there’s a heaviness in the air that no one’s naming.
Your brother made that comment about your job… again. Your uncle is steering every conversation toward politics. Your mother-in-law’s passive-aggressive remarks are landing with precision.
The table is supposed to represent connection and celebration. But sometimes, it feels more like a minefield.
Because there are uninvited guests at your holiday table.
Although the chairs are filled with actual people, other guests have shown up too: resentment, rifts, and rebellion. We don’t like to acknowledge them, but their presence can be felt in every tense pause, forced smile, and carefully worded response.
Why Holiday Gatherings Trigger Us
Holiday gatherings force us into close proximity with people we may love but don’t always like, or know how to navigate. Old wounds resurface. Family dynamics from childhood replay. And because it’s the “holidays,” there’s pressure to perform harmony even when there’s unresolved conflict beneath the surface.
This isn’t just about family. The same dynamics show up at holiday office parties, neighborhood gatherings, and any seasonal event where social obligation trumps genuine connection.
The emotional intelligence challenge: How do you show up with integrity when everything in you wants to avoid, retaliate, or check out?
The Natural Response: Fight, Flight, or Freeze
When we feel hurt, betrayed, or belittled, our natural inclination is to protect ourselves:
- Fight: Sarcasm, comebacks, passive-aggressive digs
- Flight: Avoid eye contact, keep conversations surface-level, leave early
- Freeze: Go numb, smile robotically, disconnect emotionally
These responses are human. But they don’t create connection, they reinforce the resentment.
There is another way.
The Heart Gifts: Choosing Connection Over Conflict
So often during the holiday season, we focus on tangible gifts. But what if this season, we focused more on heart gifts?
Heart gifts are the conscious choices we make in moments of tension to extend something different than our default reaction.
“The best and most meaningful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller
If you were to give a heart gift this season, especially to someone challenging, what would it be?
→ Compassion instead of a comeback? When you’re triggered, pause. Respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
→ A smile instead of sarcasm? Choose warmth instead of making that cutting remark.
→ Affirming words instead of attacking words? Acknowledge something they did well instead of pointing out their flaws.
→ Grace instead of grudges? Extend understanding instead of judgment, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
Understanding the Suffering Behind the Behavior
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
This doesn’t excuse bad behavior. But it does shift how you see the person sitting across from you, from an adversary to a human being struggling with their own pain.
You Can’t Control Them – But You Can Control You
You cannot control whether your brother stops making digs. You cannot control whether your uncle changes. You cannot control whether your mother-in-law ever approves of you.
But you can control:
- How you show up
- What you choose to extend
- Whether you let their behavior determine your peace
Extending grace to someone difficult goes against our natural inclination. It requires emotional intelligence and intentionality. But it’s also the most powerful thing you can do, for them, yes, but mostly for you.
Make the conscious choice to give a heart gift this holiday season and notice how long your uninvited guests stay.
To your peace and presence,
Bonnie