The Culture You Tolerate Is the Culture You Create

What do your employees feel when they walk into work each day?

Sal walked through the front door of his office and immediately felt the tension. 

A familiar knot formed in his stomach as he headed to his desk. While many of his coworkers were friendly, he dreaded interacting with one person in particular, someone known for belittling others’ work, withholding key information, and making sarcastic jabs at colleagues’ expense.

Sal wasn’t alone in feeling this way. Most of the team felt it too. But no one said anything. And leadership? They looked the other way.

When leaders avoid conflict, the toxic behavior doesn’t go away. It becomes the culture.

You’re Not Just Allowing Bad Behavior… You’re Endorsing It

As a workplace conflict expert, I see this pattern repeatedly. A leader knows there’s a problem with an employee. 

They’ve heard the complaints. They’ve witnessed the behavior firsthand. 

But they avoid the difficult conversation, hoping the problem will resolve itself or the person will leave on their own.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team is watching.

When you avoid addressing toxic behavior, you send a clear message: This is acceptable here. This is who we are.

Your silence isn’t neutral, it’s a choice. And that choice shapes your culture more than any mission statement or core values poster ever could.

The Ripple Effect of Unaddressed Conflict

Think about the most difficult person in your workplace right now. The one whose behavior everyone tiptoes around. The one who:

• Undermines team morale with negativity or sarcasm
• Withholds information to maintain control or power
• Belittles colleagues’ contributions
• Creates unnecessary drama or conflict
• Refuses to collaborate or follow agreed-upon processes

Now think about the impact on your team:

Productivity suffers. People spend energy avoiding the difficult person instead of focusing on their work.

Trust erodes. Team members lose faith in leadership when toxic behavior goes unaddressed.

Good employees leave. Your top performers won’t tolerate a toxic environment. They’ll find a healthier workplace.

The culture shifts. Over time, the toxic person’s behavior becomes normalized. Others either disengage or start mirroring the dysfunction.

This is the culture you’re creating by avoiding the conflict.

Why Leaders Avoid These Conversations

I get it. Addressing toxic behavior is uncomfortable. Leaders avoid these conversations for many reasons:

• Fear of the employee’s reaction (What if they get defensive or angry?)
• Uncertainty about how to have the conversation (What exactly do I say?)
• Hope that the problem will resolve itself (Maybe they’ll quit or improve on their own)
• Worry about legal implications (What if I say the wrong thing?)
• Lack of support from their own leadership (Will my boss back me up?)

Avoiding difficult conversations is more costly than having them.

The cost of avoidance includes damaged team morale, lost productivity, turnover of good employees, and a culture shaped by your most difficult person rather than your best values.

How to Stop Tolerating and Start Leading

If you recognize yourself in this pattern, here’s how to shift from tolerating toxic behavior to creating the culture you actually want:

1. Get honest about what you’re accepting

Take inventory. What behaviors are you currently tolerating that contradict your stated values? Write them down. Be specific.

Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.

2. Understand the cost of inaction

What is this person’s behavior costing your team? Start tracking the amount of lost productivity, damaged relationships, employee turnover, and your own stress and time spent managing the fallout

When you clearly see the cost, it becomes easier to take action.

3. Prepare for the difficult conversation

Don’t wing it. Plan the conversation with clarity:

• What specific behaviors need to change?
• What impact are these behaviors having on the team?
• What are the consequences if the behavior doesn’t change?
• What support or resources can you offer?

If you’re angry or frustrated, wait until you can approach the conversation with composure.

4. Have the conversation, with clarity and compassion

Address the behavior directly, not the person. Be specific about what needs to change and why it matters. Listen to their perspective, but don’t accept excuses.

Your tone matters as much as your words. You can be both firm and show you care about the employee as a person.

5. Follow through with consequences

If the behavior doesn’t change, follow through with the consequences you outlined. This is where many leaders often fail, they have the conversation but don’t follow through, which reinforces that the behavior is actually acceptable.

Your credibility as a leader depends on your follow-through.

Reflect on what behaviors you’re tolerating. Then make the conscious choice to address it.

Your team is watching. What will you show them?

Make the conscious choice to create and accept only the behaviors consistent with the work culture you want your organization to be known for.

To leading with courage,

Bonnie