Is Your Childhood Conflict Pattern Showing Up in Your Leadership?

You’re in a tense meeting. A project has derailed. Emotions are running high.

How do you respond?

Do you take control and demand compliance?
Avoid the conversation altogether?
Smooth things over with excessive reassurance?
Crack a joke to lighten the mood? 

What most leaders don’t realize is, the way you handle conflict today was likely learned by age six or seven.

These patterns emerged in childhood as ways to cope when things got tense in your family. They were survival strategies that helped you navigate difficult dynamics. 

They made sense then.

But as a leader, they may undermine your effectiveness, damage relationships, and prevent your team from reaching its full potential.

The 4 Conflict Management Patterns That Show Up in Leadership

Based on decades of experience as a Licensed Family Therapist and working with leaders, I’ve identified four common conflict patterns that show up in business relationships. You may identify with one or two, and depending on the circumstances, you might use different patterns at different times.

1. The Command & Control

What it looks like: You lead by demanding your own way, often using derogatory language or intimidation to get results.

The cost: While you might get things done in the short term, you alienate employees rather than motivate them. People comply out of fear, not commitment.

The strength: You’re decisive and action-oriented. Things get done.

The question: Are you building a team that thrives, or one that simply survives you?

2. The Conflict Avoider

What it looks like: You handle conflict through self-sufficiency and self-reliance. When tension arises, you retreat, avoid the conversation, or hope the problem resolves on its own.

The cost: Issues fester. Resentment builds. Problems that could have been addressed early become crises that damage morale and productivity.

The strength: You don’t get involved in office politics and maintain boundaries.

The question: Are you protecting yourself, or preventing your team from working through what matters most?

3. The Fixer & Pleaser

What it looks like: You attempt to smooth over conflict with an over-the-top display of care and caretaking. You want everyone to feel good, even if it means avoiding hard truths.

The cost: You enable unacceptable behavior and cripple employees’ ability to reach their full potential. Your niceness becomes a barrier to accountability.

The strength: You bring warmth and genuine concern for your coworkers.

The question: Are you helping people grow, or keeping them comfortable at the expense of their development?

4. The Joker

What it looks like: You defuse conflict with humor, sarcasm, or jokes in an attempt to divert attention and bring levity to tense situations. You’re often charismatic and well-liked.

The cost: Real issues never get addressed. Your humor becomes a shield that prevents meaningful dialogue and resolution.

The strength: You’re fun to be around and can lighten the mood.

The question: Are you building genuine connection, or avoiding what’s real?

The Go-To Formula for Transforming Your Conflict Pattern: Self-Awareness

By having self-awareness of your default conflict management pattern, you can make a conscious choice when conversations or situations get tense. Instead of reverting to childhood coping strategies, you can work through the issue directly, keeping the main thing the main thing.

While there can be many layers to conflict resolution, when everyone shows up willing to address the real problems without resorting to a default pattern, resolution can be arrived at with less angst, and relationships can be strengthened in the process.

What this looks like in practice:

→ The Controller learns to invite input instead of demanding compliance
→ The Avoider learns to engage in difficult conversations with courage
→ The Pleaser learns to set boundaries and hold people accountable with compassion
→ The Jokester learns to address tension directly while maintaining levity appropriately 

Self-awareness is the first step. Conscious choice is the second. Transformation is the result.

Which Pattern Do You Recognize in Yourself?

The patterns you learned in childhood don’t have to define your leadership today. But you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Want to discover your conflict management pattern and how your upbringing impacts your leadership style?

Take the free Workplace Family Factor Assessment® and gain insights that will help you lead with more clarity, composure, and connection.

You’ll discover:

• Your default conflict pattern
• How your upbringing shaped the way you handle tension today
• Practical strategies to transform reactive patterns into intentional leadership

Take the Family Factor Assessment®

Make the conscious choice to lead with awareness. Your team is counting on it.

To your leadership growth,

Bonnie Artman Fox