Emotional Regulation Isn’t Something You Learn—It’s Something You Practice

Growing up, my mom wanted me to take piano lessons. I wasn’t crazy about the idea, but I didn’t have a choice, both my sister and I were expected to take lessons.

As with learning any new skill, taking the lesson is one thing, practicing so the lesson sinks in is another.

Despite many reminders from my mom that “practice makes perfect,” I didn’t practice between lessons, and eventually, my parents allowed me to quit (and save them money).

What I didn’t understand then, was that ANY skill is learned through deliberate practice, and decades later, I see leaders making the same mistake I made with piano, except instead of skipping piano practice, they’re skipping the deliberate practice needed to build emotional regulation.

The Leadership Skill Most Leaders Skip Practicing

You’ve probably read articles about emotional intelligence, attended workshops on managing stress, maybe even hired a coach to help you “be less reactive, but reading about emotional regulation and actually building the skill are two completely different things.

Just like reading about piano doesn’t make you a pianist, reading about emotional regulation doesn’t make you emotionally regulated.

You have to practice. Deliberately. With feedback. Over and over.

And most leaders never do.

They learn the concepts. 

They intellectually understand that staying calm under pressure matters. 

But when the high-stakes moment comes—the explosive employee, the crisis meeting, the conflict that’s escalating—they default to their old reactive patterns.

Because they never practiced the new response enough times for it to become their default.

What Deliberate Practice Actually Means

The term “deliberate practice” was coined by Anders Ericsson, a researcher at Florida State University. His research led to the famous 10,000-hour rule: it takes roughly ten thousand hours to become a master at any particular skill.

What most people miss → Expertise is less about natural talent and more about immense and frequent practice to master the basics.

Deliberate practice isn’t just repetition. It involves three critical elements:

1. Stretching yourself beyond your current ability

You don’t build skill by doing what’s comfortable. You build it by practicing the thing that’s hard for you. If you tend to interrupt people, you practice pausing. If you get reactive when challenged, you practice staying regulated when someone pushes back.

2. Receiving immediate feedback from an expert on how you can improve

You need someone who can see your blind spots and help you gain self-awareness about  you’re missing through questions like: “What did you notice with your team when you yelled during the meeting?” “What could you do instead so people feel safe speaking up with their ideas?” 

3. Incorporating the feedback and continuing to practice

One round isn’t enough. You practice, get feedback, adjust, practice again, get more feedback, adjust again. You build the skill through repetition based on feedback.

This is how professional athletes develop their skills. This is how musicians master their instruments.

And this is how leaders develop emotional regulation—if they’re willing to practice.

What Happens When Leaders Don’t Practice Emotional Regulation

Think about the last time you reacted poorly in a high-pressure situation.

Maybe you interrupted your team member in frustration. Or got defensive when someone challenged your idea. Or sent an email you regretted. Or had a facial expression that shut down the conversation before it even started.

In the moment, you probably knew it wasn’t your best response. You might have even told yourself, “I need to work on that.”

But did you actually practice a different response? Did you get feedback on what to do differently? Did you build the skill through repetition?

Or did you just hope you’d do better next time?

Hope is not a practice strategy.

Without deliberate practice, you’ll keep defaulting to the same reactive patterns. Because under pressure, your nervous system goes to what’s most familiar—not what’s most effective.

How Leaders Deliberately Practice Emotional Regulation

If you look at the schedule of any expert—a professional athlete, a concert pianist, a surgeon—you’ll see they’ve systematically been stretching themselves to develop skill for years with ongoing feedback from a coach or mentor.

Leaders need the same thing for emotional regulation.

This means:

Creating regular practice opportunities. You don’t wait for a crisis to practice staying calm. You practice in low-stakes situations so you’re ready for high-stakes ones.

Getting expert feedback. You need someone to help you recognize when you’re getting reactive, when your facial expressions are shutting people down, when you’re interrupting, when you’re pausing effectively.

Doing the reps. One session isn’t enough. You practice pausing before speaking. You practice resetting when you get triggered. You practice awareness of your body language. You do it again and again until it becomes your new default.

Tracking your progress. You notice when you’re more present. When you’re less reactive. When you reset more quickly. When you set better boundaries.

This is deliberate practice for emotional regulation. And it’s exactly what most leadership development programs don’t provide.

What Deliberate Practice Looks Like: Interpersonal Success Circle Results

This is why I created the Interpersonal Success Circle.

ISC is an online, results-driven group coaching experience designed for leaders who want to deliberately practice emotional regulation and strengthen their interpersonal skills, especially during stress and conflict.

Each session focuses on giving you the practice reps, expert feedback, and skill-building you need to develop emotional regulation.

Here’s what leaders from our Winter cohort experienced after deliberately practicing these skills:

“I’m more focused and present.”

This leader practiced being fully engaged instead of mentally multitasking. Through feedback and repetition, presence became their new default.

“I’m not as reactive.”

This leader practiced pausing before responding. With expert feedback on when they were still reacting vs. truly responding, they built the skill of staying regulated under pressure.

“I’m more aware of my facial expressions.”

This leader didn’t even realize their face was shutting people down. Through feedback, they practiced awareness and adjusting their nonverbal communication in real-time.

“I’m able to reset more quickly when things don’t go as planned.”

This leader practiced recognizing when they were getting dysregulated and using strategies to return to regulation. Each rep strengthened the skill.

“I have greater self-awareness.”

This leader practiced noticing their triggers, patterns, and reactions. Self-awareness isn’t innate—it’s built through deliberate attention and feedback.

“I’m pausing before speaking.”

This leader practiced the gap between stimulus and response. What felt awkward at first became natural through repetition.

“I’m better able to set boundaries.”

This leader practiced saying no, redirecting conversations, and holding limits—with feedback on how to do it effectively.

These aren’t personality changes. These are the results of deliberate practice.

The Question Every Leader Should Ask

In your work today, what skill would you like to develop?

If you were intentional about dedicating time and energy to grow in an area that could leverage your leadership, what would it be?

What aspect of emotional regulation would you like to improve?

• Staying calm and grounded when someone challenges you?
• Not interrupting when another person is speaking?
• Removing blame and judgment when things don’t go your way?
• Resetting quickly after getting triggered?
• Being more aware of your facial expressions and body language?
• Pausing before reacting?
• Setting boundaries without guilt?

Now imagine if you had this skill set. How would it better serve your team, your organization, your clients?

Most leaders know what they want to improve. They just don’t create the conditions to deliberately practice it.

My Deliberate Practice

When I wrote the original version of this blog years ago, my deliberate practice was learning the technology behind offering online webinars. It required concerted effort and focus beyond my comfort zone.

Today, my deliberate practice is different. I’m practicing being more direct in my communication without softening my message to manage others’ comfort. It’s stretching me beyond my current ability, I’m getting feedback from trusted colleagues, and I’m incorporating what I learn and practicing again.

Unlike my childhood piano lessons, I’m committed to practice.

Because I’ve seen what happens when leaders deliberately practice emotional regulation instead of just learning about it.

They show up differently. They lead differently. They handle conflict differently. They create different outcomes.

Not because they suddenly have a different personality. But because they practiced a different response enough times for it to become their default.

Your Next Step

The Interpersonal Success Circle is where leaders deliberately practice emotional regulation.

You don’t just learn concepts, you practice applying them. You get expert feedback. You do the reps. You stretch beyond your current ability. You build the skill through repetition with correction.

Join the next Interpersonal Success Circle cohort

Because emotional regulation isn’t something you learn, it’s something you practice.

And the leaders who practice it don’t just know they should pause before reacting, they actually do it. Because they’ve practiced it enough times for it to become their new default.

Make the conscious choice to develop your emotional regulation skills through deliberate practice. You’ll add valuable expertise to your leadership, and transform how you show up for your team.

Deliberate practice—stretching yourself beyond your current ability, receiving expert feedback, and incorporating it through repetition—is how any skill is mastered. Emotional regulation is no exception. The Interpersonal Success Circle gives leaders the practice reps needed to build these critical skills.