How Self-Aware Leaders Turn Feedback Into Their Greatest Strength

“No one wants to tell me anything. They say I’m intimidating.”

I’ve heard this from more leaders than I can count. And when I sit down with their teams, the employees tell me the same thing: “We don’t feel safe bringing up problems. Our ideas get dismissed. The leader gets defensive and condescending.”

So I gather feedback, name the behaviors undermining trust, and watch what happens next.

Where it gets interesting is when two leaders can receive the exact same feedback and respond in completely opposite ways.

Two Leaders, Same Feedback, Drastically Different Responses

Recently, I worked with two organizations facing identical challenges: poor communication, unresolved conflicts, and teams that didn’t feel safe speaking up.

Both leaders asked for my help. Both said they were open to feedback. But when their teams courageously shared how the leader’s behavior affected them, the responses couldn’t have been more different.

Leader A: Receptive

“Thank you for your honesty. This is tough to hear, but I need to know this so I can improve. You deserve better from me. I’ll work on these things.”

The room exhaled. Trust began to rebuild.

Leader B: Defensive

“Well, that’s just how I am when things get stressful. People are too sensitive. I’m just direct, that’s how you get things done.”

The words “thank you for your feedback” were said, but the tone and justifications told a different story. The team left feeling unheard and certain that nothing would change.

Why Some Leaders Can Hear Feedback – And Others Can’t

What makes the difference?

It’s not intelligence or experience. It’s emotional intelligence, specifically, the ability to regulate your own emotions when receiving information that threatens your self-image.

Leader A demonstrated:

• Self-awareness: Recognizing the impact of their behavior
• Self-regulation: Managing discomfort without becoming defensive
• Empathy: Understanding how their words actions affected the team
• Growth mindset: Viewing feedback as an opportunity, not an attack

Leader B lacked these skills. When feedback challenged their self-concept, defensiveness kicked in. The opportunity for growth was lost.

Why can some leaders access emotional intelligence in these moments, and others can’t?

The answer often lies in childhood.

The Family Factor: How Upbringing Shapes Receptivity to Feedback

The way you respond to feedback today was influenced by how feedback was handled in your family growing up.

If you grew up in a home where:

• Mistakes were met with criticism, shame, or punishment
• Feedback felt like an attack on your worth
• You had to defend yourself to survive emotionally

Then as a leader, feedback may unconsciously trigger those same feelings of threat. Your nervous system reacts as if you’re back in that childhood environment. 

Defensiveness isn’t a character flaw, it’s a learned survival response.

If you grew up in a home where:

• Mistakes were seen as opportunities to learn
• Feedback was given with care and respect
• Vulnerability was modeled and valued

Then as a leader, feedback may feel uncomfortable but not threatening. You can hear it, reflect on it, and use it to grow.

This is what I call your Family Factor®, the ways your upbringing shows up in your leadership today, especially when feedback arises.

Teams Function to the Level of Their Leader’s Emotional Intelligence

A leader’s emotional intelligence sets the norms for how work gets done and how people get along.

Leader A’s receptivity sent a message: It’s safe to be honest here. Your voice matters.

Leader B’s defensiveness sent a different message: Don’t challenge me. Keep your concerns to yourself.

Over time, these messages become culture. And culture determines whether your organization attracts top talent or bleeds it.

The Question Every Leader Must Ask

As a leader, how receptive are you to feedback, especially when it challenges how you see yourself?

When someone tells you your behavior is having a negative impact, do you:

• Pause, listen, and reflect?
• Or defend, justify, and deflect?

If you find yourself getting defensive, it’s worth asking: Where did I learn that feedback is a threat?

Understanding your Family Factor doesn’t excuse defensive behavior. But it does explain it. And once you understand it, you can make a conscious choice to respond differently.

The Leadership Decision

Healthy leaders welcome feedback. Defensive leaders stay stuck, blaming their teams for being “too sensitive” and wondering why turnover is high and trust is non-existent.

The difference isn’t talent. It’s receptivity.

Curious to discover how your upbringing impacts your receptivity to feedback?

Take the free Workplace Family Factor Assessment® and gain insights that will help you lead with more self-awareness and openness to growth.

You’ll discover:

• Your default feedback patterns
• How your upbringing shaped the way you respond to criticism
• Practical strategies to transform defensive reactions into receptive leadership

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THE FAMILY FACTOR ASSESSMENT

The leaders who grow are the ones who can hear what’s hard to hear. Which leader will you be?