High Performance Doesn’t Excuse Harmful Behavior: How Leaders Can Address Abrasive Employees

“They’re one of our best performers.”

I’ve heard versions of this statement many times from leaders struggling with an abrasive employee.

The person gets results.

They have expertise the organization depends on.

Clients value them.

They generate revenue.

And yet, coworkers often dread interacting with them.

Their words are often condescending.

Their feedback belittling and dismissive of others’ ideas. 

When addressed, they become defensive and leave people feeling small.

So leaders of these high performers find themselves facing an uncomfortable question:

What do you do when someone delivers exceptional results AND their behavior is harming the people around them?

October, recognized for both bullying prevention and emotional intelligence awareness, gives leaders an opportunity to examine that question.

Not all abrasive behavior is workplace bullying, but disrespectful or condescending behavior shouldn’t have to reach that threshold before leaders pay attention.

High performance doesn’t give someone permission to diminish others.

Addressing the behavior may give a valued employee an opportunity to develop the emotional intelligence needed to become an even more effective employee or teammate.

The Hidden Cost of Tolerating Abrasive Behavior

Leaders sometimes hesitate to intervene with a high performer because they’re afraid of what the organization could lose.

What if the employee gets angry?

What if they leave?

Who will replace their expertise?

Those are legitimate concerns, but there’s another question leaders need to ask:

What could we lose if we DON’T address it?

When abrasive behavior continues, other employees may begin protecting themselves.

They stop speaking up.

They avoid the person.

They withhold ideas.

They dread meetings.

They may even decide that working somewhere else is easier than continuing to tolerate the behavior.

Over time, one person’s performance can come at the expense of everyone else’s.

That’s no longer an individual personality issue, it’s a workplace culture issue.

Emotional Intelligence Starts With Impact

Abrasive employees aren’t always fully aware of how they’re perceived.

They may see themselves as direct.

Efficient, driven and someone who simply has high standards.

Meanwhile, coworkers experience their behavior very differently.

This is where self-awareness, a key emotional intelligence skill, becomes essential.

A leader can help an employee begin connecting intention with impact.

For example:

“I know getting this project right matters to you. I’ve received a series of complaints of how people are being treated disrespectfully and I won’t allow our employees to being treated badly.”

Then get specific.

What did the employee say or observe?

What impact did the behavior have?

What needs to change?

The goal isn’t to label the person.

It’s to make the behavior and its impact difficult to misunderstand.

4 Ways Leaders Can Create the Conditions for Change

You can’t force another person to develop emotional intelligence, but as a leader, you can create conditions that make meaningful change more likely.

1. Care About the Person AND the People Around Them

Holding someone accountable doesn’t require treating them as the villain.

You can value an employee’s strengths, appreciate their contribution and want them to succeed.

At the same time, you have a responsibility to the people affected by their behavior.

These aren’t competing priorities.

Caring about one employee shouldn’t require everyone else to absorb the impact of that employee’s behavior.

2. Make the Behavioral Expectations Clear

“Be nicer” isn’t useful feedback.

Neither is “Watch what you say around this person.”

Talk about observable behavior.

Maybe the employee frequently interrupts colleagues, raises their voice, dismisses ideas, makes belittling comments, or reacts defensively to questions.

Explain what needs to change and what respectful, professional behavior should look like instead.

Clarity gives the employee something concrete to work on.

3. Don’t Get Pulled Into Defensiveness

The employee may disagree.

They may explain why someone else is the problem.

They may minimize the impact of what happened.

This is where your own emotional intelligence matters.

Stay level-headed.

Listen to their perspective without losing sight of the issue you’re there to address.

You need to remain clear about the behavior that’s expected going forward.

4. Hold Them Accountable for Lasting Change

One good week isn’t transformation, real change requires consistency.

Follow up, recognize improvement and continue addressing problematic behavior when it occurs.

Provide appropriate coaching or development support when needed, and be prepared to follow through with organizational consequences if the employee chooses not to change.

Accountability communicates that emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills aren’t optional extras.

They’re part of effective performance.

The Goal Isn’t Simply to Stop the Behavior

One of the most rewarding parts of my work is seeing what can happen when an abrasive employee develops genuine self-awareness.

Instead of simply learning, “I can’t say that anymore,” they begin recognizing:

“I didn’t realize that’s how I affected people.”

They notice their emotional triggers sooner, become more intentional about how they communicate under stress, listen differently, repair relationships, and discover they can maintain high standards without making other people feel small.

That’s bigger than compliance, that’s growth.

What Leaders Tolerate Shapes Workplace Culture

Bullying prevention isn’t only about responding after workplace behavior has become severe.

Creating a healthy workplace also means paying attention to the behaviors that gradually erode respect, trust and psychological safety.

Emotional intelligence is about developing self-awareness and self-management to choose how we behave when we’re frustrated, challenged, stressed, or under pressure.

Leaders have an important role in both.

When you address abrasive behavior clearly and early, you’re communicating:

Results matter here, and how we achieve those results matters, too.

That’s a message every employee deserves to hear.

Is an Abrasive Top Performer Affecting Your Team?

If you’re struggling with how to address an abrasive employee without losing a valuable contributor, I can help you prepare for that difficult conversation.

An Intervention Consultation can help you clarify the behavior that needs to change, establish expectations and consequences, and prepare for defensiveness while staying calm and level-headed.