When Your Team Starts Working Around an Abrasive Employee, Pay Attention

“I wouldn’t go in there right now.”

“Why?”

“He’s in one of those moods.”

“Got it. I’ll come back later.”

It may sound like an ordinary exchange between coworkers.

But as a leader, it’s worth paying attention to what it tells you.

Your employees have learned to work around someone’s behavior.

They know when it’s safe to approach.

They recognize the warning signs.

They change when they ask questions, share information, or raise concerns because they don’t know what reaction they’ll receive.

And if this person is one of your top performers, it can be tempting to dismiss those adaptations as the price of working with someone who’s exceptionally driven.

They’re not.

When employees have to manage themselves around one person’s moods and reactions, that person’s behavior is already influencing your workplace culture.

October’s recognition of both National Bullying Prevention Month and Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month creates an important opportunity for leaders to pay attention to these patterns.

Not every abrasive behavior is workplace bullying. But you don’t have to wait until behavior reaches that threshold before setting boundaries around how people are expected to treat one another.

Look Beyond the Abrasive Employee

When leaders think about abrasive behavior, their attention naturally goes to the person exhibiting it.

But I encourage leaders to look at what’s happening around that person, too.

Are employees reluctant to speak up in meetings?

Do people warn each other when the person seems irritable?

Do coworkers avoid asking questions because they’re afraid of being embarrassed or yelled at in front of others?

Are employees spending time strategizing about how and when to approach this person?

Have people stopped challenging their ideas?

Those behaviors tell you something.

Your team is adapting, and those adaptations can come at a cost.

Instead of putting their energy into doing their best work, employees are using some of that energy to manage interpersonal friction.

Emotional Intelligence Is More Than Managing Your Mood

Emotional intelligence is sometimes reduced to simply being aware of how you feel.

In the workplace, it goes much further.

Self-awareness includes recognizing the impact your behavior has on other people.

Self-management includes being able to experience frustration, stress, or disagreement without allowing those emotions to dictate how you treat coworkers.

For an abrasive top performer, that may mean learning to recognize:

I’m getting frustrated.

My tone is changing.

I’m about to react instead of respond.

I need to get level-headed before I continue this conversation.

That’s emotional intelligence in action.

But if an employee doesn’t recognize the impact of their behavior, the leader has a responsibility to make that impact visible.

Setting a Boundary Is a Leadership Responsibility

Many leaders know something isn’t right but hesitate to address it.

Why?

Sometimes they’re worried the top performer will leave.

Sometimes they don’t feel equipped for the difficult conversation.

And sometimes the organization has unintentionally created a culture where results carry more weight than how people are treated.

But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the impact disappear.

It asks everyone else to continue accommodating it.

Setting a boundary might sound like:

“Your expertise and contribution to this team are important. I have a responsibility to address how you’re communicating when you’re frustrated. Raising your voice and making condescending comments isn’t how we want people to be treated. We expect professional and respectful behavior.”

Notice what’s happening.

You’re not attacking the person’s character.

You’re identifying a behavior.

You’re explaining its impact.

And you’re making the expectation clear.

4 Questions to Ask Before Addressing Abrasive Behavior

If you’re preparing for a difficult conversation with an abrasive employee or top performer, consider these questions.

1. What specifically is happening?

Move beyond labels such as difficult, intimidating, or abrasive.

What does the person actually say or do?

Specific examples create clarity.

2. How is the team adapting to the behavior?

Look beyond complaints.

What are employees doing differently because of this person’s behavior?

Avoiding? Withholding? Tiptoeing? Staying silent?

Those adaptations help you understand the broader impact.

3. What behavior do I expect instead?

Don’t only tell an employee what to stop doing.

Be clear about what professional, respectful behavior looks like going forward.

4. Am I prepared to follow through?

A boundary without accountability isn’t much of a boundary.

Think ahead about how you’ll monitor progress, support development, and respond if the behavior continues.

You Can Support the Person Without Accommodating the Behavior

Addressing abrasive behavior isn’t about labeling someone as a bad person.

In fact, some abrasive employees are genuinely surprised when they understand how others experience them.

With self-awareness, coaching, feedback, and accountability, people develop stronger interpersonal skills.

They learn to recognize their triggers.

They communicate frustration without intimidation.

They listen without becoming defensive.

They continue producing excellent results without leaving coworkers bracing for the next interaction.

That’s why support and accountability belong together.

You care about the employee.

You recognize their strengths.

You invest in their development.

AND still be clear that disrespectful behavior needs to change.

What Is Your Team Learning?

During National Bullying Prevention Month, it’s important to remember that healthy workplace cultures aren’t created only by responding to the most extreme behaviors.

They’re also created through the boundaries leaders establish every day.

And during Emotional Intelligence Awareness Month, we recognize that emotional intelligence isn’t simply an individual skill.

Leaders create environments where self-awareness, self-management, respectful communication, and accountability are expected.

So pay attention when employees start working around someone’s moods.

Listen when people describe walking on eggshells.

Notice when a top performer’s behavior is changing how everyone else works.

Those are signals worth taking seriously.

Your employees shouldn’t have to become experts at avoiding someone’s behavior.

As the leader, you have the opportunity to address it.

Need Help Preparing for the Conversation?

Addressing an abrasive top performer can be uncomfortable, especially when the employee brings significant value to the organization.

I help executive leaders and managers prepare for these difficult conversations, establish clear behavioral expectations, and hold abrasive employees accountable for meaningful, lasting change.